Granted, there were still highlights. I have had the chance to be part of the behind the scenes for tv productions I never thought I would have. I flew to different countries for work and some, again, places I would never have had the chance (at least not that I see in the near future). I had the chance to work in a bar (and fared decently). Worked in restaurants too. Pushed myself more on closeup magic…

But you see, despite these, 2011 will forever leave me with one of my biggest regret in my life. I probably hurt people although I never wanted to. I learnt human relationship isn’t as simple as we’d like it to be. And I started understanding ‘lonely’ better than I think I should have.

I learnt too, a dilemma and what it can do to you… Perhaps not on the surface but deep inside.

2012 will be as challenging as any other. Perhaps more. I have a seven days break and as unwilling as I am to miss the event, I know down inside I prob need it. And then I will be back with new vigor and scale the mountains (or maybe little cliffs) the year brings to me.

(oh yes, I have no ‘resolutions’ per se, just that hopefully I can do all that I need to to the best of myself. And as J C would quote Yoda “do or do not, there is no try”.)

Time for me to sleep – it’s 100 days anniversary since grandma passed… They say she might return to visit in our dreams… I’ve been waiting for that, but she seems to be angry with me. I haven’t seen her yet perhaps she will tonight.. I hope..

It wasn’t that the children were ‘naughty’ or boisterous. On the contrary, they were very well behaved. I wasn’t feeling well, but that wasn’t the main thing either. My grandma had just passed away, and i was running the shows while her wake was on-going. My heart was heavy, but i knew i had to be professional. It made me want to cry though, when i saw the birthday kids’ grandmother hugging the kid. Because i knew mine was gone.

On 28 September, Grandma passed away without any warning.

And i never got to say goodbye.

As a kid, my mum and dad were busy with work so i was brought up by my grandmother. We lived near each other – grandma at blk 53, us at 67, and my aunt and uncle at 63 and 77. Everyday, my grandma would walk over to our house buy the veggies, cook our meals and take care of us. One of my first memories of my grandma was when i was young, probably about kindergarten age. I rmbr that seemed to be the first time that i saw my grandmother leave my house, and i was wailing because i thought i’d never see her again. Of course that was just kiddy thoughts, and after that i realized she would come back everyday, so after my mum pacified me with some TV time, i was alright. But that remains my first memory of my grandmother.

Subsequently I grew up, and became less dependant on Grandma. I probably cannot rmbr half of what Grandma did with me (and my bro), but i do rmbr some outings together. I rmbr us going Haw Par Villa together with my cousins and uncle and auntie and grandmother. I did not realize how much it meant to my grandma until during the packing of her items post-funeral when i saw the photo of us at Haw Par Villa. (I was just really a teeny todd) That photo was torn and tattered AND repaired with tape. Now i wish there’s one more photo of that, cos i would keep it nice and safe.

Few years ago, I went back to Kinmen with my grandmother, my mom and aunt. 14 days we spent together going back to the ‘old lifestyle’ tracing back my roots in Taiwan. I saw my great grandmother, remade connections with those relatives. My great grandmother is a strong lady, and at that time, still joked that my grandma could not walk as fast as her.

Two years ago, my grandmother started getting frail. She got in and out of hospital, but knowing her, and her strength, we knew she’d recover and she did. She wondered if she’d see me graduate, she wondered if she’d see her great granddaughter Andrea’s birth. She did. She not only saw me graduate, but also saw the birth of Andrea.

When i graduated, i brought her along for the convocation ceremony. I rmbr that she was very emotional that day. She cried, so happy to see me graduate. She told me i might be the last grandchild she saw graduating. Unfortunately that came true.

It’s been 14 days now since her passing and i miss her terribly. My grandmother knew not a single written word or letter, but she one-handedly brought up most if not all of her grandchildren. Her whole life was dedicated to the family.

Thank you Grandma, I LOVE YOU.

朋友开始安顿下来的规划，突然让我不禁想到自己的规划到底又是什么。另一边厢，有许多将来的问号在心里漂浮着，似乎因为如此，让我心里忐忑不安。。。也因此似乎总是无法静下心来。从前对无法未知的坦然不知为何不见了。不晓得是不是因为以前的未知是无所谓，而现在的未知近在咫尺。虽然想处之泰然，却仍是有所顾忌。前些日子，碰到了一些人和事，让我想要尝试敞开心房，却又发现实在不容易。或许习惯了隐藏，除了对两位挚友才能够真正的说出心底话。每每探望外婆，却又不得不面对我最不想在这个世界上面对的人，让我想起我最不想回忆的事。想要磨灭的从前一直无法消除，于是选择干脆不面对或许可能发生的感情，却又让我觉得自己太无能，太软弱。对自己的能力开始有所怀疑，不想让对我有期望的人失望，却又总是疏漏，让自己非常懊恼。

我并不是一个不懂得知足常乐的人。对于现在的工作的范围和事情，依然是我以前向往的梦寐以求的工作。对于这份表演以及追随我心目中最好的魔术师，我依然充满了热忱与热情。但到底，心里悠悠然感觉奇怪的又是什么？

茫然。

Tired.

Anyway, 30 August is here again, and i am one year older.

It seems funny how we, at a young age, cannot wait to reach 21, and past that age, does not want to grow any older. I am 2 years past that age now (omg) and it doesn’t feel like i’ve been around here for 23 years yet. Hahaha!

23 years old now, one year older, and hopefully, somewhat wiser. 23 is an important age for me – since i have graduated now, from University and therefore ‘officially’ start my working life. I say ‘officially’ since i have been working since i started University and like all my friends in University liked to say, I was always a ‘part-time’ student working full time, though my official status was the other way around.

HUGE amounts of gratitude

There are so many things to be grateful and thankful for, and as i turn older, i begin to see so much more of the world, understand more and be even more thankful. There is no doubt i cannot have come to this world, survived, grew and become who i am without my parents and family. While i think i’ve been ‘guai’ enough, without going through much rebellious angsty teen years, i have no doubt i’ve been that close to make my mom want to ‘puke blood’. I’m thankful and grateful for the tremendous support that i’ve had, while choosing this unorthodox (at least to most people) choice of job, and going nowhere near what i have studied and graduated with my honours degree in.

There are two other persons, whom i’ve mentioned over and over and over (and over… well you get the idea) again, that i’ve been enormously grateful and thankful to. To Ning, whom i’m almost certain that without that fateful meeting, i might have not survived. To J C,whom opened doors for me, giving me chances that i have never dreamt before that i could have. To both, for all the counseling that happened in my most difficult period, to help me recover and walk past all that i have. Both of you were the core and most important people who helped me achieve that. My bosses, my friends, my mentors and above all, my angels.

Friends of mine, you are all my bedrocks in my life. Thank you thank you and thank you. There are too many of you to write out one by one, but in particular, XX&LM + SY&Gang.

Thankful also, to the fantastic colleague and Concept:Magic Team who is more than work, but feels like a second family!

So there it is, a wrap-up: THANK YOU THANK YOU AND THANK YOU!

Wishes for Birthday

Nah, i’m not going to do the Pageant Queen thing and go: WORLD PEACE! I do, however, have a couple of wishes; actually more than a couple (yes, i’m a greedy little pig when it comes to wishes), but essentially, if push comes to shove, one biggest wish. Happiness for all the people i love so much. Still greedy ain’t I? Since that covers quite a lot of things! Muahaha.

Side-tracking a bit: It’s kind of funny how i host birthdays every single wkend (hence the reason why i don’t usually eat cake – imagine how many parties i have every wk!), and when it really is my birthday, and i tell the kids, no one believes me! LOL.

Well, this kind of wraps up my birthday blog entry. Hopefully it isn’t one more year later that a new blog post appears on my blog! :p

PS. This is the first time my FB account is flooding in with b’day wishes, I’m so touched! Thanks everyone! )

There are just too many things on my mind.

I guess I feel more settled now that I have made a general decision, though I’ve no idea how I’m gonna communicate this to my mum n dad when time comes. Probably another storm is on it’s way, but it seems like storms are now more like a regular thing than an exception.

I wish things could go back to the then, but time just doesn’t turn back. Sometimes I wonder why we’re planning everything so down to the tee when things can change in such an enormous magnitude in split timing. I realize that there’s no real right or wrong anymore, just a different POV. I cannot imagine one year down the road… It used to be bright and cheery, now it is… for e lack of an appropriate word, uncertain. 26 is my convocation but I feel no joy.

It hurts my heart tremendously… I really really have never wished for anything much, but happiness for people I love.

最大的疼爱是放手？还是执著？是无论如何不离不弃，还是选择离开？是看着他跌入陷阱，并在一旁等待着搀扶；还是守着他，让他不会受伤？

理不清的头绪，让我辗转难眠。

但无论如何，只要你愿意，我会继续追随左右。不是安慰，只是对已经超越普通朋友的你的承诺。